Monthly Archives: February 2016

As Conceptualized by the Writers of HBO’s

The Zika virus spreads through the Olympic Village, jeopardizing The Games. However, after receiving a heartfelt apology from the Olympic Committee, Zika decides to be the bigger man and leave Brazil.

Severed body parts wash ashore during the Women’s Beach Volleyball Final, once again raising concerns about safety… but after Bob Costas lightens the mood with a few good-natured Robert Durst jokes, the incident is completely forgotten. During Keri Walsh Jenning’s post-game beach party, more dismembered limbs float inland, but go unnoticed.

A potentially devastating terrorist attack on Maracana Stadium is thwarted when Usain Bolt reaches out to ISIS leaders and makes things right. Italy and Israel make room for ISIS and its 56 athletes in the Parade of Nations; all is right in the world.

When the sewage in Guanabara Bay makes both athletes and tourists sick, Brazil must face the consequences of its past mistakes. However, the rest of the world recognizes that everyone makes mistakes, and forgives Brazil during a yacht party on the bay; there are no further repercussions.

Alex Morgan, Michael Phelps, and Simone Biles all suffer devastating injuries that threaten their chances at taking home the gold. Ultimately, they all decide to compete and do in fact bring home the gold.

A team of street racing bandits drag a vault through the streets of Rio, destroying everything in their path and killing hundreds of visiting civilians. When the officer in charge of the case catches them, he forgives them and allows them to walk free.

She Doesn’t Understand

There are some things those without a penis just don’t understand. Though well-known facts among men, woman may not know of the several ways he pees. But let me tell you ladies, there’s more to urinating than unleashing the spout, draining the bladder, and calling it a day.

Here’s a short guide to six ways he pees that you may not know about.

1. The Fire Hose

Peeing can be a bore if he doesn’t know how to spice up his bathroom time, and if the conditions are right, he can do just that with the Fire Hose. After the beast is loosed from his zippered cage, his hands hang limp at his sides and other objects, uh-hum, limp to the front.

As the pressure builds from his beer-filled bladder, it is released in a glorious, uncontrolled stream, causing his member to flail about like a fireman’s hose, bringing back to him all of the hopes and dreams of his youth. Making the calendar, sliding down the pole to the sound of blaring alarms, riding the ladder truck and smashing doors with his ax. A manly dream.

2. The Power Washer

Unlike the Fire Hose, this pee is brought about by unintentional circumstances—namely, his morning erection. When attempting to urinate with what is known as a “boner,” he can have extreme difficulty in controlling the trajectory of his stream.

Lucky for him, his burly-man arms are there to forcefully hold the angle between his hard-on and the toilet. The added firmness of his erection decreases the diameter of his urethra and this results in a powerful stream. If he controls the direction just right, he can use his stream to power-wash any debris from the sides of the toilet bowl. Just another way he can be useful around the house.

3. The Fountain

The Fountain is similar to the Power Washer. Both spring from the same firm conditions, both have the same power. The difference between the two is solely in the control. The Power Washer is a conscious act, the Fountain is not.

You can’t always expect him to be awake enough before his morning coffee to notice the tent forming in the fabric of his tattered underwear. It’s amazing enough that he even makes it to the bathroom most mornings. He wanders down the hallway with his drowsy, absent mind, stumbles through the door, removes himself, and begins to urinate. Then, faster than you can shout “Oh no, you di’nt!” he wakes himself with the splashing elegance of the yellow fountain rebounding off the ceiling. As the man of many talents that he is, he has now graced the home with the same lustrous beauty seen in any casino courtyard.

4. The Silent Urination

The Silent Urination is programmed into his instincts for her benefit. She doesn’t want to be woken in the middle of the night by the sound of heavy splashing, and because of this, he was built with a safety mechanism to guard her slumber.

As he tiptoes to the toilet, forgetting to shut the bathroom door as usual, he doesn’t fear her accidental waking. He simply leans forward, bracing his hand against the wall, and directs his stream to the highest point on the side of the toilet bowl. Angle is important. This insures that his stream is muffled by its long roll down the ceramic wall.

He gets his relief and she sleeps in piece. Whether or not she knows it, she should be quite thankful for the silence of his midnight urination.

5. Ready, Aim, Fire

The Ready, Aim, Fire is the reason he grows out of the phase of speckles around the bathroom tile. He has been practicing his aim with this pee since the days his parents threw Cheerios in the water.

It’s simple: if he sees something, anything, floating on the water or sticking to the porcelain sides, he prepares himself for the task at hand, focuses on the object, and hones in his cross-hairs. Then, he releases his stream with the practiced resolve of a military sniper.

6. The Wide-Base Hover

Public restrooms come with inherent difficulties for both men and women. The Wide-Base Hover was designed to mitigate some of those difficulties for him. As he walks into the restroom of the local pub, met by the smell of musk and that guy who really shouldn’t have eaten Chipotle, he notices the puddle. The puddle is different from the speckle. The puddle is deep and wide enough that it threatens to stain his socks if his shoes should happen to find themselves planted within.

He stands before the puddle, knowing what he must do. He’s an acrobat, an oddity. He unzips, steps both feet out in a stance that would make the good Jean Claude Van Damme swollen with pride, and waddles up to the urinal. His balance is firm as he huddles a full foot in front of the receptacle. He does his business and backs out the way he came, safe once again to pee another day.